


Fifteen Things You Should Remember While Part Of A Massive Government Conspiracy.

by Lanna Michaels (lannamichaels)



Category: Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Torchwood
Genre: Meta, N Things, Torchwood: Children of Earth
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-07-11
Updated: 2009-07-11
Packaged: 2017-10-02 19:10:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,750
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9682
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lannamichaels/pseuds/Lanna%20Michaels
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"It may help to understand human affairs to be clear that most of the great triumphs and tragedies of history are caused, not by people being fundamentally good or fundamentally bad, but by people being fundamentally people." - Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman (Good Omens: The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, Witch)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fifteen Things You Should Remember While Part Of A Massive Government Conspiracy.

**Author's Note:**

> Continuity/Canon: through Children of Earth, although there are many things I am ignoring because of the massive amounts of stupid involved. (Also, I started writing this mid-series.)

1\. _Do not bite off more than you can chew_

It is generally accepted that keeping a conspiracy covered up properly is very, very, very difficult. The Smart Government Conspirator will therefore _use caution at all times_.

Do not kill more people than absolutely necessary. It saves on paperwork and unnecessary cover stories. For every leader of a super-secret organization you have to kill in the name of security, there are ten minions who can, and should, get off scot-free. After all, these minions are used to cover-ups. Consider hiring them for your side. At the very least, they probably know how to make coffee. Good help is hard to find, so save HR a headache and recruit from unusual sources.

In a similar vein, it is generally accepted that you should not blow large holes in the middle of Cardiff. The authors of this guide understand that sometimes you have a bomb and like to watch it detonate. That is why there are simulators and computer games. Such scenarios should be kept to those harmless pursuits.

It bears repeating: DO NOT BLOW LARGE HOLES IN CARDIFF. They tend to notice these things.

  
2\. _Do not kill the One True Love Of This Decade_

Jack Harkness is what is commonly known as "six marbles short of a dozen", or, less euphemistically, "driven insane by people like you who like to poke the monster until he bites your hand off". Either way, the Smart Government Conspirator will take a step back, assess the situation, and make sure The Boyfriend is as far away from danger as possible.

Trust us on this one.

It is also advised that the Smart Government Conspirator pay attention to bloodlines and steer clear of anyone descended from Jack Harkness. If taking Harkness's grandson as a hostage is required, caution is advised, for values of caution meaning a large land mass between you and Grandpa.

  
3\. _Children are not props, nor are they idiots_

The Smart Government Conspirator, having watched a fair share of television, will have seen plenty of political advertisements that feature the candidate's children in a starring role. The Smart Government Conspirator may therefore get the impression that children are not actually living creatures with opinions and views of their own, but are instead blank slates upon which a whole host of things can be projected, and may be used as pawns without consequence.

This impression is incorrect.

The Smart Government Conspirator will therefore use caution before deciding to use children for their own purposes. It will backfire on your condescending ageist asses.

  
4\. _Threatening children = code for evil_

The Smart Government Conspirator may at some point wonder if negotiation may be an answer. Considering other circumstances, it may very well be. However, once someone threatens a child, it is all over. The Smart Government Conspirator will soon learn that as soon as someone threatens a child (for values of child that approach asymptotically to adolescence) that person is evil.

This is a well-known trope and cliche. The Smart Government Conspirator should know when to pick battles and when to walk away.

Just walk away. Trust us.

  
5\. _Put up or shut up_

If all the evil aliens can do is screech and make threats and mind-control your children, get over it. The Smart Government Conspirator will remember when everyone with a specific blood type almost jumped off a building, but didn't, because mind control doesn't work that way.

If the evil aliens can only scare you, then they're not worth being scared of. The Smart Government Conspirator will ignore this "threat" and move on.

  
6\. _Remember that you are a member of a rational species_

Life is not a chess game. Humans are constricted by many things, but the constrictions are not so simple, or as asinine, as only being allowed to move in one direction. Nor are humans only allowed to take certain prescribed steps.

The Smart Government Conspirator will therefore remember that when the evil alien overlord gives you an order, it's okay to fight back. In fact, as a representative of your government, it is your obligation.

Do not roll over and show your belly. At least give it the old college try.

Therefore, when the evil aliens cannot breathe your atmosphere, it is okay to force them to do so and kill them in the process. When the evil aliens require their sacrifice to be specially prepared, tell them to get off their asses and do it themselves. You are the Smart Government Conspirator, not their lackey. The only dirty work you have to do is your own.

If the basic rules of resistance are antithetical to your very being, what the hell are you doing in a government conspiracy? Perhaps you would be better suited to a life of religious solitude.

  
7\. _Leave torture for Jack Bauer_

This is the 21st century. Do not hurt people just for fun. No, really. Don't. It only makes them mad, and makes you look evil.

You are not evil. You are the Smart Government Conspirator. Remember that there is a difference. You're from the government, you're there to help. Certainly, your definition of help may differ from those around you, but the central issue remains the same. You are not a vigilante; do not act like one. Unlike some people, the Smart Government Conspirator feels no need to one-up an opponent in order to feel superior.

The Smart Government Conspirator understands that rational paranoia is useful, and indulging in hypotheticals is useless. Walk the line.

  
8\. _Do not blow up the immortal regenerating man_

The Smart Government Conspirator will understand that, if you cut a worm in half, you can get two worms. Do not blow Jack Harkness into bits. You're trying to kill him, not make more of him. For all you know, his species reproduces asexually.

Nice going, jackass.

  
9\. _You're on Candid Camera_

The Smart Government Conspirator will recall that the UK has more public security cameras than any country on the planet. These cameras apparently do shit for stopping crime, but, nevertheless, they do exist.

The Smart Government Conspirator will therefore understand that Someone Is Always Watching, and act accordingly.

  
10\. _Use threats sparingly_

Every time the words "or else" leave your mouth, you must be prepared to back them up with action. Therefore, the Smart Government Conspirator will use threats sparingly and carefully. Never threaten to do something you are not willing to do.

Understand that if you try to contain a mutiny under threat of something that would cause a mutiny anyway, you're doing it wrong. Understand that forcing someone's hand will never work in your favor. No one reacts well to being put between a rock and a hard place. Understand that you will never be able to plan for the steps humans take when they panic. It is therefore imperative that the Smart Government Conspirator be a student of human nature and recognize that everyone has their own personal line in the sand they will not cross, no matter what the threat.

In a world of Twitter, YouTube, and other social media, the Smart Government Conspirator will understand that once opened, Pandora's Box is not easily closed. The more people who know about a conspiracy, the less likely it is for that conspiracy to be kept secret.

If your conspiracy ends up on the front page of all of the newspapers, you're really doing it wrong.

  
11\. _No one gets a lobotomy when being sworn into office_

Not all politicians are idiots. Not all politicians are evil. The Smart Government Conspirator will remember that, first and foremost, the government consists of the people and exists to serve the people. Do not assume they are stupid and/or evil by virtue of their profession.

While it may, at times, be necessary to keep secrets from and operate independently of the government oversight bodies, don't make a habit of it. When you do, you lose all high ground when you refuse to follow an order because _it is absolutely idiotic and insane_.

Do not confuse "is not an idiot" with "does not have head shoved up ass". It is a crucial difference. Attend carefully.

  
12\. _Waste not, want not_

There may come a time when a person becomes a liability and the only way to solve that problem is by the use of lethal force. The Smart Government Conspirator will try to avoid this scenario as much as possible.

Do not kill an agent just because you can. Do not kill an agent who has spent months, at your orders, preparing for a mission, just because the mission has been scrubbed. Your minions will see how you treat someone who you perceive to be no longer vital, and act accordingly.

The Smart Government Conspirator will understand that good help is hard to find. Don't make it harder to find by killing your good help.

  
13\. _We all know what decimate means_

Killing a tenth of the population is better than killing all of it. However, just because someone offers to kill only ten percent does not mean they are being generous. If they destroy all the population, then the population is all dead. If the evil alien's master plan requires humanity's continued existence, call their goddamn bluff.

This may sound simple. The Smart Government Conspirator will remember that most things that sound simple, aren't.

  
14\. _Dead is only a state of mind_

Dead is as dead does. If your plan hinges on someone being killed, it is a stupid plan. The Smart Government Conspirator will understand that someone living can usually be made dead when required, but it is considerably more difficult to turn the dead into the living should they be required for Plan 2.0.

The Smart Government Conspirator will therefore look into constructing better, more comfortable prisons, and waving shiny distractions like a fully-stocked library or wine bar. It is a better long-term investment than concrete holding cells.

For example, concrete holding cells cannot be turned into luxury hotels once the current conspiracy is finished and the Smart Government Conspirator has moved on to bigger, better conspiracies.

  
15\. _Plan ahead_

If your organization encourages you to treat your minions as if they are expendable, then they consider you to be expendable as well. The Smart Government Conspirator will therefore always keep an eye out for that bigger, better conspiracy.

Remember: Flexibility is the key to conspiracy power. Good luck and happy conspiring.


End file.
